I’ll never stop traveling

I was a runner. Still am. I started running when I was 12 and I ran far and fast. I guess that’s a common trend with those who stay closeted. I thought that if I could run far enough, no one would see how emotionally unstable and depressed I was. When someone got too close to me, I stopped running and started pushing away instead. I was paralyzed at the thought of letting them see me for who I really was. Trans. Transsexual to be exact, but if labels are a must, Non-binary is where I stand.

My thought process went a little something like this: “If they really see me for who I am, for what I am, they’ll leave.” Living as a man in a woman’s body makes for a confusing childhood. None of my parents could understand my choice of hobbies and they insisted on a very specific role my female body had to fulfill.

I was angry most of the time, but too afraid of being judged for my authentic self, I got really good at pretending to be someone else. It wasn’t until I started traveling that I began to understand what true freedom felt like. Not because I was in a different country, but because I had no pre-existing standards for who I was supposed to be.

Atlanta, Georgia – Tallulah Gorge State Park

 

Siena, Italy

   

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania – Lehigh University

Anyway, traveling became my new form of running and this time when I ran, no one followed. I was lost, confused, and hurting. I felt as if I needed to wander a bit to get back on my own path and reconnect with who I was and who I wanted to be. So I left. Just me and my 17kg backpack. I bought my one-way ticket and I was off to Greece (not before stopping in Amsterdam of course). I ended up backpacking Europe for 6 months. You see, when I travel, especially alone, nobody knows me. Nobody cares about what I do, where I go, or who I’m doing it with. I barely have wifi to be constantly checked on and there are no expectations. No unspoken pressures, nobody there to make me feel guilty except myself. You truly start to realize that you are in control of your own reality and that you allow whatever it is that you are feeling or doing to shape your life. However, playing the victim when you’re by yourself becomes harder when there’s no one else to blame. Eventually, I got tired of my own bullshit.

I traveled by myself, but there wasn’t a single moment where I felt truly alone. On the contrary, I was embraced by foreign lands and strangers with arms wide open. Free spirits attract free spirits and that’s exactly what happened to me (along with some traveler’s diarrhea, but I promise that one’s temporary). The people I’ve met in my travels have shaped me into who I am today, and who I am becoming,  just as much as my family has.

It’s not just about “finding yourself”, it’s about breaking the mold and becoming who you want to be.

Penang, Malaysia – Penang National Park

Boracay, Philippines (in a shack getting a tattoo- I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS)

Hong Kong, Hong Kong at LFK doing some “line dancing”

 

Traveling taught me that I don’t have to run. It showed me what unconditional love feels and looks like. It gave me freedom, strength and reminded me of my light. It presented me with a glimpse of what I would want my life to look like and who I wanted to be.  It invited me to the table where all the other beautiful souls sat and forced me to love me again. And you wanna know the best part? It’ll never stop doing it, for me and everyone else who decides to give it a try!

I look forward to traveling again, but one more thing it has taught me was to slow down and live in the present. So, until then, I’ll create my adventures and love stories right here, right now.

Traveling loved me and I loved traveling.

So I’m never letting it go

and I’ll never run away from my soul again.

-My only affair

 

 

Much Love,

Taynahmite